Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
