Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
