Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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