last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
