in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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