it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Boobs speak an international language.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
