take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
