god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
