just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
