Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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