That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
