I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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