she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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