i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
