so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
