just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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