you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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