alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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