i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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