I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
