Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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