Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
