If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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