Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
