i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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