Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
