why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Is it because I queefed?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We need a shit load of segways right now
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
