i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
