I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
