yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
