Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
