My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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