Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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