all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
