Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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