All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
