I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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