This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
My ATM looks so different sober.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
