So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?