May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
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when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
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We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.