so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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