I didn't shave. On purpose
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
