WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
