so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
