How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
