Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he puts the penis in happiness.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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