hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
