Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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