I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
