my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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