I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
