we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
