They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
