I met the friendliest cop last night
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
she peed on how many people?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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