My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
tell your sister to shave her snatch
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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