I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
